Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
