ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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