Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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