to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
