She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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