if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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