this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i now understand why vodka
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
