oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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