I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
