Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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