They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
