I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
