Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize