Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
