I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
