I love black thongs
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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