If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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