I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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