It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
