"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
