I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my mouth tastes like poor choices
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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