this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My vagina is officially offended.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
