Your face is a jimmy john
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
