maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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