Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
