True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I will be naked everywhere
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
These tits shall not be calmed
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize