You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
