Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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