oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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