Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
