i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
