Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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