if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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