i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
