if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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