Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
