My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
