she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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