my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
