Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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