Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
