I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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