At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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