Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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