I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
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Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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