i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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