Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
