I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
