I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
