so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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