we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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