dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
