my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Who died my cat blue again?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
