I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
