my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
