How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
