I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize