I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
After tacos, we're chasing women.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
